Reality

I'm trying to figure out what the new normal is. So far I think I am in what some might consider as denial, in that I keep feeling like Dad is just still in the hospital and that is why I haven't seen him. But this week, starting Tuesday, its starting to sink in bit by bit that he is gone.


The day we got married, the lady that was doing my hair was telling me that when her brother died suddenly a few years ago, she basically didn't, or couldn't, cry. It was like she was in shock or denial, and then all the sudden one day it slammed into her and she cried until she couldn't cry anymore. When she was explaining this, I thought that seemed so weird, like how could you not cry when you are mourning a loss that devastating. But for about about a week and a half after Dad died, it made sense. I cried briefly at moments, but most the time I felt emotionless, even when I felt sad about him being gone.


That all changed Tuesday. For some reason I was just sad that day, which I attributed to a lack of sleep and being worn out from the routine of school. Then from the mail I opened a card addressed to Mom and our family, only to discover a sweet card from one of Dad's nurses....and the CD of wedding pictures from the hospital photographer. His shots had a very different feel about them than Jo's, less personal or something, but about 10 pictures into the 150 came a series of shots of just Dad. Enter the tears. Uncontrollable tears. I suddenly felt an extreme sadness hit me. I will never see that smile in person. Never tell him I love him. Never watch him play with Carter. I just want to look in his eyes again and have a random conversation.


Christiaan just sat next to me, and Carter realized I was crying and got upset. I'm not sure why these pictures suddenly got to me. I have been looking at pictures from that day for 2 weeks now, and none of them had affected me like that. Weird timing. We had CG that night, and I basically cried from the time I saw the pictures until we got to CG. And then I couldn't sleep well that night.


Wednesday after school I called Mom to invite her to join us for Painting with a Twist, and when she said she needed the distraction from a rough afternoon, she said it was because the funeral director had called to tell her everything was ready to be picked up. No wonder the day before had been so randomly hard. That one phone call made it permanent. Not that it wasn't permanent before, but in my out of sorts brain, that sealed the deal.


I feel so weird because random things will trigger some memory or suddenly I will think about the reality of the situation, and I will have a moment of breakdown. The other day I was putting ice in my cup and looked directly above the ice dispenser and there was a picture of mom and dad. The one from about this time last year where they were at the mall and decided to have their picture taken with Santa. I will never forget that. Christiaan and I were in Waco at a Baylor basketball game, and mom texted me a picture of their picture. I remember laughing at them for doing that, but thinking how cool it was that a fun night for my parents was to window shop and hang out with Santa.

On my way home from school on Wednesday, my phone rang. Mom had called me a couple times and I was expecting it to be her again. When I picked up the phone it said the call was from Dad. I was immediately flooded with several thoughts and emotions.....I got excited that I could talk to him, then confused, and then really sad, and then I dropped the phone when I realized it would never be him. Ummm, if I ever report on here that I answered my cell phone and talked to my father....please check me into Green Oaks. It was my mom....her phone was dead, and she didn't have her charger with her. She is carrying his phone around as well as hers because there are a lot of calls that come in on his phone from people that do not have her number.

I am just blown away by this whole grieving process. I mean, I have suffered losses before, but none have affected me like this. It truly is a process with various steps. None of which I have control over. And I may or may be a control freak, so I feel like a lunatic with my emotions being so all over the place. I'm sorry to take up blogging space where I should be sharing about Carter, and I will soon, I promise, but I think its helping me to write my feelings and experiences down. Have you ever experienced these things?? How did you deal with it all??