Where all we have been lately

Guess what??

In an effort to avoid grading papers, I finally uploaded pictures from the last month. All 90 of them. Below is a totally random sequence of events since Thanksgiving.


On the Saturday after Thanksgiving we went to Jerry World for the Baylor/Tech game. If you will recall, last year we took Mom and Dad to this game which was held at the Cotton Bowl during the fair, and given the ample amount of trash talking between my parents and Christiaan in regards to the fact the Baylor has lost the last few years, I honestly struggled a bit being there. Lots of reminders of Dad. We had a great time though, despite having to walk forever in the freezing cold, the drunk dudes standing behind us dropping the F-bomb every other word, and Christiaan being attacked by the stomach virus earlier that day.
The Malone's and the Perrin's...and randomly enough Christiaan's friend's family from Waco sitting unexpectedly next to us!

And I am happy to report that Baylor won this year! Its hard to see, but the score was 66-42

Christiaan and I single(double??)handedly supplied all the Baylor garb. When you attend a Baylor event with Christiaan, you should wear Baylor gear.

The next week Mom joined me and my coworkers at Painting with a Twist. Although its a bit unfair and very intimidating to sit next to someone who now has sold paintings she has done. Hers is CLEARLY a better painting than mine! About the only thing I did right on this one was the snowflakes/stars/whatever the heck they were supposed to be. As an added bonus, we had the same instructor that called my flowers sea urchins the last painting party, but this time he only commented that my curly ques were a tad out of control. Good point.

The whole group.

Fun times!

We celebrated our "family" Christmas with our church friends. Let me explain why the boys are shirtless: its Carter's fault. He decided about 5 minutes after we got there that he was not going to wear a shirt, and within minutes of stripping his off, Brycen decided he didn't need one either. Whatever.

We gave Brycen this hard page book, and the second I walked in with it, he began chanting "book, book!" despite the fact that it was wrapped! Smart kid!

Super bouncy balls!

Harper was in a great mood!

Sweet girl!

The reason everyone behind Carter has funny faces is because the second he ripped off the paper he screamed "TRACTOR!!!" at the top of his lungs! Um, I guess he likes it?? Would make his Grand Dude proud. :)

Golf clubs of death! Jason and Chelsea found these super cute golf sets for both boys, but being that they are as of yet childless, they didn't think about the fact that they were really weapons. Of course, the second the boys opened them, they began whopping each other upside their heads. Hopefully they will outgrow that soon so that they can learn to play golf.

Raygen got her own scrapbook set

Carter got a Cars watch.

And Harper had enough of the fun and passed out like this!

We had the kids decorate an ice cream cone like a tree

I did most of the work for Carter's....

Carter did put on the M&M's, then pulled them right back off and ate them

Oh Brycey, you're so silly!

Then the fun began. We took away and hid the golf clubs and exchanged them for foam swords, and Oh. My. Lord. it was the funniest thing ever! The boys went nutso with them and were cracking up! But heaven forbid you not bring your binkie to a sword fight.....

They may beat the holy crap out of each other, but deep down they really do love each other!

Oh yes, this one is for the senior slide show!!

Well I am just about caught up, except for our trip to Keller this last few days. That and some happenings while we were there are posts all of their own!

Carter news

Can you believe it?? I am actually writing a post about Carter on Carter's blog??

Little dude has been quite the character lately. He has hit that talking spurt everyone kept telling about, where his vocabulary would explode within a short period of time. I'm sure a lot of it only we can understand, but here is a list of everything I can think of that he is saying these days.

please
thank you
there you go
bonk my head
outside(sounds like outsie)
Libby
Lola
Dixie(the dogs)
fish
GrandPam
GrandDude(break my heart!)
barbeque(this of all words is clear as day)
football
baseball
basketball(which sounds like ba-be-tall)
bee
touchdown
jump
happen(accompanied with hand gestures to indicate "what happened?")
awful
pumpkin
candy
ho ho(what he calls Santa)
and he can say pretty much everyone's name in our family. He even says Audrah. Here lately for some reason he has been calling Micah "Ayee" (Aly) instead of My My, and calls a lot of people Aly too.



He's been sick with various ailments off and on since the end of September. First he had thrush on just his lips which was totally bizarre, then the next week got strep, then the next week at his follow up visit for the strep it was discovered he had thrush yet again all in his mouth this time. He had also developed an excessive amount of drainage which was causing a cough, which he has had now for like almost 3 weeks. Although he has seen 2 different doctors and they both think its just drainage. So he is now back to taking Zyrtec and Singulair daily. Poor dude with the allergies.


He recently discovered how to hang by the ledge of the kitchen bar. He also likes to jump off the couch, stand up in the recliner and make it rock back and forth as forcefully as humanly possible, and has also recently discovered how to open the back door. Can you say daredevil??



He loves to watch videos on my phone, and all I can say about that is whoever invented YouTube deserves a big juicy kiss from me. I have created a playlist of his favorite videos, mostly of Moose A. Moose, and they are like gold anytime we need him to be still and quiet for a few minutes. He recently saw the hamsters, or hammos as he says, from the Kia commercials and so some of those have been added to the playlist.


He thinks that the song "Sexy and I know it" is a Yo Gabba song because of the "wiggle wiggle wiggle" part.



His food preferences continue to be erratic, with the only consistent thing he likes being candy and popsicles or babas as he calls them. But right now he's really liking rice, noodles(especially ramen noodles), cereal, fruit, applesauce, chicken nuggets, barbeque sauce, scrambled eggs, chips, pop tarts, pancakes, raisins, and pretty much any fruit.

I have no new pictures to post because I haven't uploaded anything off my camera since before Thanksgiving. We are heading out today to spend a couple of days with our friends in Keller and to attend Bentley's 2nd birthday party, and I plan on making sure my camera is glued to my hand!

How we planned a wedding in 36 hours

I guess I should start at why we rushed a wedding. Thursday November 10th I got a phone call at school from my aunt telling me that the doctor had given my dad the very news we were dreading to hear: the chemo wasn't working anymore, and nothing else was going to work. He was in the middle of treatment and his numbers had not been moving, which scared the crap out of us, but we had tried to remain positive. So on that Thursday, we (meaning like 15-18 of my immediately family members) gathered around my dad's bed and got the full story from the nurse. We were talking about days remaining with Daddy, as the leukemia would quickly shut down his body. I have never been so devastated in my life. I felt like someone had ripped my heart out. She told us the 3 "options" that we had, with none of them being daddy living at the end of them, and we let dad decide what he wanted to do. He chose to finish the next 2 days of chemo (apparently protocol to complete it more than anything) and then he wanted to leave the hospital. It was decided that we would take him to my aunt and uncle's house, as my parents house is not set up for mass people to come and go, and for hospice to set up easily.

Just before the nurse left dad's room, she was hugging my mom(they had developed a friendship over these months with many nurses) and my mom said something to her about how dad had so been looking forward to walking me down the aisle. That got her wheels turning and between her and the social worker helping us with hospice, they started scheming. Also, Christiaan had been going around to several family members telling them that we had decided just the weekend before that should something happen to Dad, we would have Shane marry us just so that Dad could be a part of it and give me away. Thus the wheels began rolling. I spent some time just being with Dad, and by the time I went out of his room, Brianna was calling me saying "11:00n on Saturday." Umm ok I'm a little busy, what is then? Your wedding, she says. And then I get a text from Brooke saying she would be there at 3 the next day to take me dress shopping. A little while later Kasi called to tell me she got someone to take pictures, and then later had a lady volunteer to do my hair and makeup. Seriously?? People are just planning our wedding, without us even worrying about anything. We decided with Mom that it would be in the courtyard of the hospital, where there was a nice fountain.

Around 8:00, Christiaan and I left and drove 90 mph to Firewheel. We walked into James Avery, picked out 2 wedding bands, and left. Drove around the corner to Men's Wearhouse, picked out a shirt and tie, then realized it would be $130 for both, so just decided on the tie. When we were checking out, the salesman told us that Christiaan had a $50 credit from previous purchases. We couldn't resist the shirt at the point. By the time we got back into the car it was 8:40.

The next morning Mom called and said that Dad was not doing so well and she wasn't sure he would have the strength to do any sort of wedding. Although I would have been totally ok with just having Shane marry us in the hospital room, I began to pray for God to just give us the next 24 hours. Just let us have this one last special time with my Daddy. I spent the whole day begging God to give us that. Mom also told me that the nurse and social worker wanted to talk to me at some point that day, because they had gotten someone to bake a cake and arranged for the florist in the lobby to make a bouquet and boutenniers. Christiaan's mom came into town, and we went up to the hospital. It was so strange, talking about wedding plans one minute, and then talking to Dad about arrangements for his last days and after that. My emotions were all over the place.

Brooke came and picked me up Friday afternoon, and we headed to Firewheel again. We went to the Black and White store, told a saleslady what we were looking for, and she said they really only had one solid white or cream dress. She held it up and Brooke and I just looked in awe at each other. It was beyond perfect. Except, that it was a size 4, and I am not anymore. It was literally the only one in the store because it was an online exclusive, but had been returned by someone to the store. They convinced me to try it on anyways. By some miracle of God, it actually fit, was just a little snug in the hip area. Nothing a pair of Spanx couldn't fix.

In the next hour and a half or so, we managed to also find Carter a suit (half price even), and a pair of shoes that had a matching ruffle to the dress. We were both blown away, as in the 11+ years we have been shopping together, we had never found exactly what we were looking for so easily. That allowed us to then have a nice visit over dinner and a couple drinks at Gloria's, joined by Aly. My bachelorette party, I guess. :)

Christiaan and I put Shane on speakerphone and had our wedding rehearsal. We went over the few details of what would be said, and I left Carter to spend the night with Christiaan and his mom and headed home. I made a quick CD with a few songs to use during the ceremony and went to bed. My alarm was set for 6:30, but I woke up in excitement earlier than that. I met some of my girls at Bri's at 8 to get my hair and make-up done. A wonderfully gifted lady that does hair and make-up for weddings had heard about our story from Jo, the lady who volunteered to take pictures, and had volunteered to do my hair and make-up. Seriously, where did all these people come from?? As soon as she was done I headed to the hospital.

Dad wanted to see me before the wedding. We shared a sweet conversation with my brothers, and Dad gave me the necklace and earrings he had sent mom to buy for me the day before. The nurse and social worker had arranged for us to use the cancer resource center in the lobby for me to get dressed in and to hold a small reception. I got dressed, and watched in amazement as various friends and family members began showing up.

I am just not even sure that I possess words in my vocabulary to accurately describe the ceremony. It was heart wrenching but sweet, happy and sad, simple and intimate. Although it was a ceremony in which Christiaan commited our lives to each other, it was so much just about my dad and I having the perfect moment that every little girl envisions.

I had found a version of "Can't Help Falling in Love" by Ingrid Michaelson, which played as we came out into the courtyard. My daddy sang this to my momma at their wedding. I never expected there to be anyone else walking me down the aisle except my dad, but he was in a wheelchair so Mom pushed him, and as the last remaining drops of chemo he would ever get were still running, his nurses dealt with the IV pole behind us. About 40 of our family members and closest friends, along with a few nurses, the social worker, and even the hospital chaplain, had gathered outside to witness the ceremony.

It was short, and I don't know that I could imagine anything more perfect. It was everything it should be, and nothing I ever expected, at the same time.

Inside at the cancer resource center we cut the cake, and discovered that the catering department had brought a fruit and cheese tray and some cookies. My aunt Shannon had brought sparkling apple cider in place of champagne. Brooke had somehow managed in a few hours to make the thumbprint guest book and a decorative "R". We visited, took an obscene amount of pictures, and enjoyed the delicious cake. Once the party died down, Christiaan and I made a requested appearance back up on Dad's floor, and then headed out for our special evening. Our sweet friends had gotten us a gift card to Gloria's and a night at the Hotel Intercontinental!!

I am still trying to wrap my head around this whole experience. I cannot believe how incredibly blessed we were to have people plan this special time for us. Not only did it fulfill my dreams of my daddy walking me down the aisle, but it made me truly realize how amazing my friends and family are. I do not know what I have done in my life to be deserving of such kindness from people. I don't think I could ever repay them for all they did for us. Thank you is just not even enough, but thank you to everyone who made this incredible day possible!

Reality

I'm trying to figure out what the new normal is. So far I think I am in what some might consider as denial, in that I keep feeling like Dad is just still in the hospital and that is why I haven't seen him. But this week, starting Tuesday, its starting to sink in bit by bit that he is gone.


The day we got married, the lady that was doing my hair was telling me that when her brother died suddenly a few years ago, she basically didn't, or couldn't, cry. It was like she was in shock or denial, and then all the sudden one day it slammed into her and she cried until she couldn't cry anymore. When she was explaining this, I thought that seemed so weird, like how could you not cry when you are mourning a loss that devastating. But for about about a week and a half after Dad died, it made sense. I cried briefly at moments, but most the time I felt emotionless, even when I felt sad about him being gone.


That all changed Tuesday. For some reason I was just sad that day, which I attributed to a lack of sleep and being worn out from the routine of school. Then from the mail I opened a card addressed to Mom and our family, only to discover a sweet card from one of Dad's nurses....and the CD of wedding pictures from the hospital photographer. His shots had a very different feel about them than Jo's, less personal or something, but about 10 pictures into the 150 came a series of shots of just Dad. Enter the tears. Uncontrollable tears. I suddenly felt an extreme sadness hit me. I will never see that smile in person. Never tell him I love him. Never watch him play with Carter. I just want to look in his eyes again and have a random conversation.


Christiaan just sat next to me, and Carter realized I was crying and got upset. I'm not sure why these pictures suddenly got to me. I have been looking at pictures from that day for 2 weeks now, and none of them had affected me like that. Weird timing. We had CG that night, and I basically cried from the time I saw the pictures until we got to CG. And then I couldn't sleep well that night.


Wednesday after school I called Mom to invite her to join us for Painting with a Twist, and when she said she needed the distraction from a rough afternoon, she said it was because the funeral director had called to tell her everything was ready to be picked up. No wonder the day before had been so randomly hard. That one phone call made it permanent. Not that it wasn't permanent before, but in my out of sorts brain, that sealed the deal.


I feel so weird because random things will trigger some memory or suddenly I will think about the reality of the situation, and I will have a moment of breakdown. The other day I was putting ice in my cup and looked directly above the ice dispenser and there was a picture of mom and dad. The one from about this time last year where they were at the mall and decided to have their picture taken with Santa. I will never forget that. Christiaan and I were in Waco at a Baylor basketball game, and mom texted me a picture of their picture. I remember laughing at them for doing that, but thinking how cool it was that a fun night for my parents was to window shop and hang out with Santa.

On my way home from school on Wednesday, my phone rang. Mom had called me a couple times and I was expecting it to be her again. When I picked up the phone it said the call was from Dad. I was immediately flooded with several thoughts and emotions.....I got excited that I could talk to him, then confused, and then really sad, and then I dropped the phone when I realized it would never be him. Ummm, if I ever report on here that I answered my cell phone and talked to my father....please check me into Green Oaks. It was my mom....her phone was dead, and she didn't have her charger with her. She is carrying his phone around as well as hers because there are a lot of calls that come in on his phone from people that do not have her number.

I am just blown away by this whole grieving process. I mean, I have suffered losses before, but none have affected me like this. It truly is a process with various steps. None of which I have control over. And I may or may be a control freak, so I feel like a lunatic with my emotions being so all over the place. I'm sorry to take up blogging space where I should be sharing about Carter, and I will soon, I promise, but I think its helping me to write my feelings and experiences down. Have you ever experienced these things?? How did you deal with it all??

Trying to be thankful

Yesterday sucked. There's not really any other way to describe it. Obviously the main reason was because Daddy wasn't there, but other factors compounded on that....Christiaan had to work, I came down with a stomach virus the night before, and Carter fell and busted his lip pretty good. Last night I lay in bed trying really hard to think of reasons I should still be thankful despite all the doom and gloom, and I think writing them out will help solidify them in my brain so my thoughts don't immediately go to sad ones.

• Its been one year this week since Christiaan moved here


• My daddy got to be a part of our wedding. God totally orchestrated the whole thing. I'm trying to wrap my brain around it all still, and I'm writing it out to post on the blog so that I don't forget how it all happened.




• My boss and coworkers have been amazingly understanding and helpful while I've been out for the last almost 2 weeks. They just stepped in and handled things in my classroom and I have not worried about one thing.




• My son is (relatively) healthy and more than happy. I've been watching him put Froot Loops into the mouth of a happy meal toy penguin and pouring them out for the last 20 minutes. How much more content could he be?




• I have totally awesome friends. Not sure why people are so nice to me.




• My family has actually gotten closer, if that was even possible




• I have a job, period, and it pays the bills. Well mostly.




• Our faith family at church is incredible, and I leave church feeling so uplifted every time. No drama, No fighting over what people are wearing or what songs we are singing, just honest pure worship. C3 celebrated one year this past month, and I am amazed at how it has grown. We have met some awesome new friends through church.


• As I have been a lazy bum today due to not being quite over this stomach virus, I have spent most of my day watching Carter play or helping him shoot Nerf darts. He has even let me snuggle with him quite a bit! Even though I feel like crap pretty much, I am thankful for this day with my boy just to enjoy being around him. He is growing up way too fast and I am not doing a very good job of journaling his maturing.

I am sure there is much more that I could list out but like I said, I am having a hard time being very glass half full right now. This last 2 weeks have been incredibly hard, and I think it will get worse before it gets better. Please pray for our family, especially my mom.

No Words

Waco Weekend and Suckiness

This past weekend we escaped from life briefly to visit Waco family and attend Baylor homecoming. We didn't make it in until late Friday night and basically went straight to bed, then got up early and went to the parade. It was freaking cold, and Carter's nose had started running, but he enjoyed it. Especially since they throw "tendy" off the floats for the kids to fight over.


I'm guessing he thought he was the grand marshall

A few layers deep

Da bear

This was by far the coolest float. It was chock full of old school toys

More toys

And a giant original Game Boy! Complete with a person dressed as Mario inside! How clever.

Collecting tendy

We left a grouchy, yucky-nosed Carter with Nana and went to the game.

Jazzy lasted until the end of the 3rd quarter, when she declared that the game was almost over because Baylor was winning, and I broke her heart when I told her that there was a whole nother quarter left. Her daddy took her home shortly after. :)

Sunday morning Carter woke up early, partially due to the time change and partially due to the fact that he was obviously getting sicker. We again left him with Nana so that we could visit Christiaan's home church. After delicious lunch and a little more visiting, we grudgingly loaded up the truck and headed back to Dallas.

This week has started off with a bang. Dad has not been doing well the few days, and by the time we got back to Dallas Carter was officially sick, like with a fever and all. Not just teething. I had some issues at school that I had to handle first thing Monday, and I was not looking forward to any of it. By Sunday night Christiaan started complaining of a sore throat and runny nose. Awesome. He stayed home with Carter yesterday and took him to the doctor today for a diagnosis of.....strep. So Christiaan has an appointment tomorrow morning to get tested for what is obviously strep also. Which means that I took the day off work to stay home with Carter, since my aunt Karen is staying with Dad tomorrow. Life is just one giant shit storm after another these days. I am taking leftover antibiotics to avoid the plague. But honestly?? It was not a very hard decision to take off tomorrow, despite the fact the Kasi will be gone too. This school year is dead to me.

I'm praying for a better end to this week. Otherwise, we may not return from our next Waco trip. :)